#fortiis40

So, it happened.  40... the big 4-0.  It came and went.  It was a whirlwind of activity that has sadly died down... and I'm left with my thoughts.

Over the past 2 weeks, I flew to the West Coast, visited 4 cities, saw my BFFs from college and Disney, made new ones, and witnessed the wedding of 2 amazing men. I flew home, hugged my babies, resumed mom duties, was surprised by my sissies and 2 more Disney BFFs, got a lap dance from a drag queen, and then was surprised again by my hubby and sissies with an amazing "This is Your Life" party... and now, it is Monday.  Monday.  The excitement is over and I'm still 40.  I've been so busy I haven't quite grasped it.

As the birthday was approaching I started looking back and, at first, all I could see was negative.  I recall numerous times wanting to write this blog post yelling at my 20 and 30 year old self for all the things that went wrong.  It was the biggest form of self-deprecation from someone who prides herself on staying positive.  Was this 40?  Was I turning into negative nellie? 

Questions popped up such as:  Why did you settle in your 20's?  Why didn't you make more money in your 30's?  Why did you make so many poor choices?  But then, I walked through the door to my parent's house, the house I grew up in and left in my 20's, to a party that was all about my life.  My sister's had set up stations that focused on the highest points in my life.  I was so overwhelmed by the people and the day, it didn't hit me... until today.  Monday.

All the negative washed away as I looked over the stations - the photos, the moments, the friends and family.  Sure there were crap moments in my life - we all have them.  But to quote a great movie "I crawled through a river of shit and came out smelling clean on the other side".  I am 40 and here is what I want to tell my 20 and 30-year-old self:

Jenn, in your 20's when others we sticking around the hometown, you traveled to 12 countries and came back worldly, excited and with the knowledge there is more out there in the world.  When others were graduating and getting "real" jobs or married, you packed up a U-haul, your BFF and your car and moved to Nashville with nothing.  You survived, you soaked in new experiences and you made it on your own.  When your "real" job wasn't the dream job, you followed your dream to work for Disney and while I know you wished you had done more there, look at the friends you have made - they are everywhere and they will always be there.  When you left to find your fairytale, you learned you can't make everything perfect, but you did make 2 perfect boys.

Jenn, in your 30's when your life was crashing into a thousand pieces you finally realized how to ask for help.  You also found strength, independence, maturity.  You surprised yourself (and I know you are still surprised).  You leaned on others - some stayed, some didn't.  When you started to "give up" on fairytales, you decided to open another book and read it through different eyes.  When you thought family was just made through bloodlines, you realized that family is all around you.  Family is everything.  Family is those who throw you a party that make you see all the positives.

So Jenn, you are 40 - what will these years bring?

This will be the decade where I stop making time for negative.  Where I focus on what I do have, rather than what I don't.  Where I will choose sitting on the sidelines of games over sitting at bars.  Where I travel more - and bring the kids.  Where I realize I'm not perfect and that's ok.  Where I will spend more time with and focus on family and friends no matter how far away they are.  Where I will remind my husband more often of how thankful I am for him turning me around in my 30's.  Where I will watch my boys turn into men... and then watch them walk out our door and into their 20's.

I'm ready, I'm excited, I'm 40 and I'm positive I'm gonna like it!