#fortiis40

So, it happened.  40... the big 4-0.  It came and went.  It was a whirlwind of activity that has sadly died down... and I'm left with my thoughts.

Over the past 2 weeks, I flew to the West Coast, visited 4 cities, saw my BFFs from college and Disney, made new ones, and witnessed the wedding of 2 amazing men. I flew home, hugged my babies, resumed mom duties, was surprised by my sissies and 2 more Disney BFFs, got a lap dance from a drag queen, and then was surprised again by my hubby and sissies with an amazing "This is Your Life" party... and now, it is Monday.  Monday.  The excitement is over and I'm still 40.  I've been so busy I haven't quite grasped it.

As the birthday was approaching I started looking back and, at first, all I could see was negative.  I recall numerous times wanting to write this blog post yelling at my 20 and 30 year old self for all the things that went wrong.  It was the biggest form of self-deprecation from someone who prides herself on staying positive.  Was this 40?  Was I turning into negative nellie? 

Questions popped up such as:  Why did you settle in your 20's?  Why didn't you make more money in your 30's?  Why did you make so many poor choices?  But then, I walked through the door to my parent's house, the house I grew up in and left in my 20's, to a party that was all about my life.  My sister's had set up stations that focused on the highest points in my life.  I was so overwhelmed by the people and the day, it didn't hit me... until today.  Monday.

All the negative washed away as I looked over the stations - the photos, the moments, the friends and family.  Sure there were crap moments in my life - we all have them.  But to quote a great movie "I crawled through a river of shit and came out smelling clean on the other side".  I am 40 and here is what I want to tell my 20 and 30-year-old self:

Jenn, in your 20's when others we sticking around the hometown, you traveled to 12 countries and came back worldly, excited and with the knowledge there is more out there in the world.  When others were graduating and getting "real" jobs or married, you packed up a U-haul, your BFF and your car and moved to Nashville with nothing.  You survived, you soaked in new experiences and you made it on your own.  When your "real" job wasn't the dream job, you followed your dream to work for Disney and while I know you wished you had done more there, look at the friends you have made - they are everywhere and they will always be there.  When you left to find your fairytale, you learned you can't make everything perfect, but you did make 2 perfect boys.

Jenn, in your 30's when your life was crashing into a thousand pieces you finally realized how to ask for help.  You also found strength, independence, maturity.  You surprised yourself (and I know you are still surprised).  You leaned on others - some stayed, some didn't.  When you started to "give up" on fairytales, you decided to open another book and read it through different eyes.  When you thought family was just made through bloodlines, you realized that family is all around you.  Family is everything.  Family is those who throw you a party that make you see all the positives.

So Jenn, you are 40 - what will these years bring?

This will be the decade where I stop making time for negative.  Where I focus on what I do have, rather than what I don't.  Where I will choose sitting on the sidelines of games over sitting at bars.  Where I travel more - and bring the kids.  Where I realize I'm not perfect and that's ok.  Where I will spend more time with and focus on family and friends no matter how far away they are.  Where I will remind my husband more often of how thankful I am for him turning me around in my 30's.  Where I will watch my boys turn into men... and then watch them walk out our door and into their 20's.

I'm ready, I'm excited, I'm 40 and I'm positive I'm gonna like it!

Smells Like Tween Spirit

Snips and snails,
And puppy dog tails,
That's what little boys are made of...

What does this even mean?  I honestly have no clue.  I also have no clue what makes tween boys tick (I really wish they had let us watch the "boy" movie on adolescence in 5th grade - it may have helped).  The only tween I've known before was my little brother.  Being 7 years older than he, I observed, from a distance, his tween years with curiosity.  Questions came to mind like:  why does he always wear sweatpants with holes in them?  Why is there dirt smeared on his face and he doesn't care?  Shouldn't he shower after his game?  He outgrew this, of course (thank god).   Now, I'm living with a tween 24/7.  This is MY tween.  And I am once again observing him with curiosity - just at a much closer distance.

Since he did get to watch the 5th grade boy movie - pamphlets came home - HUZZAH!  Now I can learn!  And it seems, he actually read/listened particularly well on the topic of personal hygiene.  While I am by no means complaining, this new, heightened sense of aromatic concern has really added to my grocery shopping time.  What used to be a 30 minute shop time has escalated into 1.5 hours.  Why you ask?  This...

This, my friends, is a 1/2 aisle dedicated to men's body wash/shampoo.  Gone are the days of 1 scent of Head & Shoulders.  Now there are 8 different brand names - with 10 different scents.  Scents with names like:  Swagger, Kickstart and Wolfthorn.  What. Are. These. Smells?  Well, just ask my tween...

Oh yes, we smelled every. single. one.  25 minutes of smelling to select the "right" one for the shower.  Head & Shoulders was "lame".  Kickstart smelled "bad".  All of this lead to choosing:

Axe:  Apollo.  Since I associate this name with the movie, I was glad to know it did not smell like what I assumed: rocket fuel, influenza and near death.  At this point, I had reached my limit, as did my olfactory nerves.  $7 for a bottle of this stuff?  Fine.  Shove it in the cart and let's move on.  30 minutes into grocery shopping and this is all I had to show for it:

In the end, 1.5 hours of shopping wasn't bad - we got to bond and laugh over this sensory experience.  And now, every time I hug him I smell his hair, think of that moment and laugh all over again... I love his tween spirit (and smell)!!

Hunger Games Themed Party (kid version)

6 months from today, I turn 40... so it seems fitting on the day we have Sam's "kid" party (Hunger Games Theme, of course) - I spend the morning getting my hair braided to look like Katniss.  I'm all for themes as much I am all for embarrassing my kids, hence the costume.  Needless to say, I did not embarrass Sam (he thought it was cool) BUT the party theme went just as I thought - awesome! 

Here is what I did to turn Zoink's Fun Factory into The Hunger Games - with the help of my amazing hubbie and sons and Etsy :)

Favor Bags:
Black paper bags filled with...
Bow and Arrow Bracelets: using charms from Bohemian Findings and cord from Supplies Plus - Sam and I put these together in 1 night - the stickers I made and printed using Publisher
District 12 "Coal" Soap: using "coal" soap from Burnt Mill and arrow stickers from Banana Splits Boutique - the tags were again made on Publisher
Training Tattoos: Tattoos from Draw Abiding Citizen and washi tape from Banana Splits Boutique put on cards I made on Publisher
Straw arrows: Straws came from Michaels  and topped with craft paper point and leftover feathers from my wedding.  The tag was made on Publisher

Arrow Bracelets

Favor Bags

Favors

The cake was designed by Sam and I using inspiration from the movies.  Huge thanks to hubbie for once again helping roll out the fondant!

A last minute tablecloth transformation happened this morning.  Thanks to a Dollar Store gold tablecloth and some black craft paint, the party table fit the theme!

  

And if this smile doesn't sum up how he felt about the party, I don't know what does.  The odds were DEFINITELY in our favor!

Don't fret, you get to see the Katniss "costume"

Rock Wall = Reaping (in my opinion - ouch!)

WWARD (aka: What Would a Runner Do)?

Ever wonder what your hips and ass would feel like if squeezed into a vice grip for hours?  Me either... until today.  I'm pretty sure it would be close to what I currently feel like after running my first 5K.

This adventure was the result of me thinking of new, fun ways to bond with the boys.  A 5K sounded like a great idea to do with Sam.  One would think after my camping idea years ago (you can catch that adventure here), that I would just stick to "movie night" or "dinner".  No, I go all in and decide to run 3.1 miles.  The catch here:  We. Don't. Run.  Sam at least works out in Kung Fu... the last thing I ran was "out of gas".  But I committed (aka: paid for it AND joined a "team").

No turning back

RACE TRAINING (my way):
3 weeks from race I took a TRX class - you know, to train.  Both boys supported me by telling me I was going to die.  I hugged them and made sure they had my cell in case they had to break this news to Kevin.
2 weeks out I was going to run on a treadmill... but they were all being used that night.  So out of guilt, I did TRX again- and hoped I could run this race with my arms since that was what we worked on.
1 week out I was in the "active" section of TJ Maxx staring at 5,000 options of athletic pants, wondering "what do runners wear?", and convinced myself that a fanny pack seemed logical.
4 days out I was making green tutu's with the "team".
2 days out I was grocery shopping with Sam when he spotted neon orange sneakers and said he needed them (I guess running in high tops he already owns is not an option) and since I clearly have no idea what runners wear, I caved.
1 day out I picked up our race packets (ooh swag!) and then spent the night with friends and wine - which seems to be what "runners do" (if you read this article).  Somewhere around 2am that morning, Kevin nicely forced water and tylenol into my system (good call honey)

Then it was race day...and this people, is what runners wear... in my house at least:

Before the Race

Team Clark-n-Friends

So today, while I waddle around worse than when I was pregnant, I ponder the lessons learned from this adventure...
1.  I did it!  And ran the whole way so, for that, I am proud of myself
2.  Though we didn't "bond" per-say - since Sam was a good 1-2 min ahead of me the whole time - I observed the young man he is becoming.  He didn't "need" me: he ran on his own time, he found his friends along the way, he made new ones, he stood out in his orange (and was proud of it), he finished with a smile and was right there with a hug when I crossed.  So, I guess we did bond, just in a different way.
3.  Running a 5K cures a hangover

And since we are already looking into other 5K/Fun Runs, maybe my crazy, adventurous, mommy/son bonding ideas aren't so crazy after all...

No time for a Frosty people, I'm running!

A cross between a jazz hand and spirit fingers

Leaving mommy in the dust

We finished... and got free water!

Hunger Games Themed Tween Party

In our family, it is tradition to have themed parties - ok, maybe not "tradition" but more of "my obsession".  This obsession is clearly genetic and the lucky offspring winner of this trait - Sam!  At first he would just agree or disagree with the themes, but lately, he's dictated (demanded even) what he wants.  He designs the cakes that I then have to make.  He wants approval on location and decor.  He's bossy... and deep down - I LOVE it.  I love the challenge - even when I want to chuck the cakes out the window.

For 12, he wanted Hunger Games.  Perfect, I thought.  He's 12, Katniss/Peeta are from District 12 - awesome!  While I didn't do a big theme cake for our family party, I did do a themed buffet and cupcakes.  And before you think I got let off the hook on cake, there's a kid party coming up and, as Sam puts it, there will be cake (see, bossy).

Using flea market finds for serving ware, leftover holiday party decor for the mockingjays and my mom's Valentine's roses from dad, the buffet table looked fit for even Effie!

Menu:
Make your own sandwiches and salad
Pita bread and hummus
Tracker Jacker Cupcakes:  Lemon cupcakes with a honey buttercream frosting, drizzled with honey and chocolate
Girl on Fire Cupcakes:  Chocolate cupcakes with raspberry buttercream frosting, sprayed with gold edible paint and gold edible glitter
Apple Cider (for kids) and Hard Apple Cider (for kids over 21)

Look Ma! I have a "Tween"

Today is a Thursday.  Today I got them ready for their weekend at daddy's.  Today I realized I'm sending off my 11 year old and getting him back as a 12 year old.  Today I cried.

Monday, I'll have a TWEEN.

Crying, that isn't untypical of me - especially where the boys are concerned - in fact, I do it every year around their birthdays.  It is a tradition for me to sit on my bed, thumbing through baby pictures and crying.  My husband just accepts this fact and supplies the wine.

Then today, I read an interesting article posted on the blog:  Home Sanctuary.  Besides the fact that I cried through reading it, it brought up a point that struck home - where ARE the blogs, pinterest pages and forums for parents with Tweens/Teens?  If you know of some, please let me know (preferably ones that make me laugh not cry).  We are the parents that raised our babies/toddlers with no instant access to blog pages about "why my kid is crying" or pinterest pages filled with 101 crafts using crayons.  We didn't have Facebook to poll our connected friends "what is your method of getting your kid to sleep or pee?" or to post videos of first steps.  As a mom who was one of the first of her friends to have kids, that was a lonely time.  Social media probably would have overwhelmed me, but I certainly wouldn't have felt alone.

So today, I want to change that.  I'm not alone - we're not alone.  I want to hear from other moms/dads of tweens and teens.  We're all going through this whacko time together and have or will have funny, scary and informative stories  - let's share about it!

Have a great Tween story?  Let me know in the comments!

Adventures in Camping Part I

This technically is an old blog post I wrote - mostly for my family and I to remember what lengths I would go to as a mom.  This was when I was a single mom with the crazy notion that camping is the way to bond with boys - even when camping is something I said I would NEVER do!

I am happy to report that 5 summers later, we still go camping - just the 3 of us.

ADVENTURES IN THE WHITE MOUNTAINS, NH:

Date: Aug. 2-4, 2008

I am just returning back from the 2nd annual camping trip with my sons (now ages 6 and almost 3)... after last year (which I may blog about later using past tense) I am shocked at myself that I would venture out to camp again. But I have great kids who are well behaved travelers and I love adventure... so why the hell not? Anyhoo... after learning some things last year (aka: bring an air mattress) here are the lessons learned this year...

THE TENT: Upon arriving to the campground, after our 3.5 hour trek, storms were a-brewing... this year I downsized from the 6-8 person tent to the cozy 2-3 person tent -easier for 1 person to get up... so I set out to get the tent up quick. Luckily, I had former LLBean buyer Mark Libby and his lovely family beside me... he swooped in and got the tent up in 2.3 seconds! Sweet! Usually I would be annoyed, cuz I am stubborn and like to think I can do things on my own, especially ones that I get myself into... but with rain coming... I don't care - just HELP ME!!!! LESSON: 2-3 person tent is perfect... having camper fanatic as a neighbor... priceless

THE AIR MATTRESS: As I mentioned previously, I brought an air mattress this year. Bought one brand new since last year I only got 2 hours of sleep the entire weekend because the ground is hard - and sleeping on your stomach thinking breasts will cushion you is a pharse! So, I am PSYCHED to get this puppy up!! Well, after plugging in the air pump I soon discover that the damn thing needs to charge for 12 hours prior to initial use! WTF!! I attempted to blow it up myself, but at the point of passing out, I stopped. So needless to say, night 1 - a deflated air mattress + major thunderstorm = 3 hours of sleep for Jenn. LESSON: read the air mattress directions prior to leaving your home or hope that you have large enough breasts!

THE CAMPFIRE: Ahh, the great outdoors, sleeping under the stars, cooking over an open flame... Now, I am not a cook over a stove, so why I think I can do this over a campfire is beyond me... but hey, the boys love hot dogs, so put them on a stick, roast and call it dinner! Finish off with marshmallows and you have a meal... However, you have to start with an actual fire to get this to work. So, I set out to the camp store for some fire wood. I buy 2 bundles and lug them back to our site (meanwhile my boys toddle behind me with their mouths watering at the thought of roasting marshmallows). I put some logs on - tee pee style, throw in some newspaper and light... well! I have had candles with a bigger flame! Even the boys were making fun of me! So I muster up a bit of a fire, "cook" the dogs, get some marshmallows out and BAM! rain!!!! Out goes my fire! Night 2... I outsmarted the fire... I bought lighter fluid! And in the words of Sam... "torch it mommy"... hell yah, I did! Sucker lasted thru 2 major rain storms! LESSON: Lighter fluid - the best $3 I ever spent!

THE BOAT RIDE: Day 2... ahhh, waking up (after 3 hours sleep) to sun, fresh air and the promise of a great day of family bonding... Sam's choice? A rowboat ride... Sure! I can do this! 3 life jackets - check, 2 oars - check, 1 boat lock key - check... off we go! We get to the dock, put their life jackets on with no meltdowns and I am thinking this is going to be great! We noticed the 3 inches of rain water in the boat and I noticed the boys in their sneakers and socks. After coaxing them to remove them and leave them on the dock... I "unlock" the boat from the dock and we set out. I get 2 rows away and Mason starts screaming like I've never heard "MY SHOES!!! DON'T LEAVE MY SHOES" (mind you it was 9am)... so I struggle to row back to the dock, where a family has gathered... the dad asks if I want him to hand me the shoes? I politely say yes, thank you. Then he asks "and...um... do you want me to unlock your boat from the dock"... LESSON: No matter how hard you row... you can't leave the shoes... or the dock! (side note: the next day, a dad in another campsite we walked by asked how our boatride went - i think I was the laughing stock of the entire campground)

THE KNIFE: So, one of the challenges of being the only adult, is what to do when 1 kid is sleeping, 1 is by the campfire and you need more wood! (or pee, or whatever...). Night 2 brought on that situation for me. As you read, Sam and I had a kick ass fire going and we didn't want the fun to "burn out". It is 8pm, Mason is asleep in the tent and the camp store closes at 9. I do a great debate in my mind of what to do - bring Sam and leave Mason, or leave Sam to "watch" Mason... (please note: the camp store is all of about 10 yards away - and I can see the site from the store). I finally decide on having Sam sit by the fire - at a safe distance - while I ran, literally, to get more wood. Before I go, I "arm" him with directions on what to do if a stranger comes up and protection... 1. a cell phone - who he'll call, I have no clue. 2. my car keys - so he can run them over?!?! and 3. my swiss army knife - to which I tell him to stab anyone if they try to take him - but not our friendly neighbors. He just looks at me and says "just hurry, I don't want to stab anyone". LESSON: While preparing your children for the dangers in life sometimes you need to prepare yourself with more wood!

THE HIKE: After a great night sleep (air mattress finally inflated) and minimal rainstorms, we pack up and venture back home. We travel back the Kancamangas and we stop at a site called the "Rocky Gorge" - part of the Swift River, it is a set of steep waterfalls (clearly the spot any mom should take her 2 small children). We cross over the falls via bridge and happen upon a tranquil lake and a hiking trail. Sam wants to hike... I say "why not"! 3 miles later, I find out from Sam that this is "an early birthday gift from him to me". I begin to tear. As we come upon a rickety plank "bridge" over a small stream... Sam says "oh mommy... this is your dream come true! Walking over a bridge with Mason and I"... dear god! Where did this kid come from!?!? LESSON: You cross a lot of bridges in life, some figurative, some literal... but if you cross with the ones you love, you will always be safe!

One final lesson... (from Mason- age 3)
THE BATHROOM: Most people who know me know, I have stomach issues... well, after a lovely lunch in an old diner (located in the center of Plymouth, NH - home of PSU - alma mater of my mom and dad)... we started to trek back down 93. I get 2 exits down and I have to go... BAD!!! So we stop at a burger king... I have 2 boys who want to play in the playground there and closed up restrooms! I was NOT a happy camper (no pun intended)... so I get them back in the car, sweating my ass of an on the verge of tears and we hit up the gas station next door... I am struggling to get Mason out of his car seat "on time" and he asks what is wrong... I state (in his terms) "mommy has to go potty and the bathroom wasn't working at the burger king". His response "Just poop on the mountain"... LESSON: If you are a boy... you can poop anywhere!

The Boys and I circa 2008